Abandoned
The question that won't stop nagging is... why?
I am currently experiencing being ghosted for the first time in my life. I tried contacting the person in question in every possible way in this information age save from showing up to their house, which I really want to do but I am stopping myself because I believe showing up to another person’s house without an invitation is a huge overstepping of boundaries. It’s been over two months at this point, and I find it hard to believe that they just didn’t get my messages. I called and texted on every app that we are connected on, and silence. I know they are alive because they are active on social media. They haven’t blocked me though, which only serves to torture me more. I have no idea where I stand. And it’s driving me nuts.
This pattern has been repeating more subtly with other people in my life. People not showing up to meetings and appointments without reaching out. People traveling based on plans that have been made for months or surprise ones. People being late to things and expecting it to be okay and forgiven. Normally I wouldn’t pay much head to someone being late. Usually it’s an unavoidable circumstance and they call ahead. But lately a multitude of people have been late without calling or texting, even hours later. And the only thing I am capable of doing is questioning it. Why?
I feel so abandoned. I know it’s not rational. I know people are not being malicious towards me and setting up meetings only to be no-shows. I know people are going through hard things that prevent them from being the best version of themselves. Nevertheless, I feel extremely abandoned. And I want to know why.
Am I putting this energy out into the world? Am I being ridiculous in my expectations? Is the world just moving in different ways for everyone in my life right now? Is everyone so busy that they can’t just text me they’re going to be late? I don’t understand and it’s making me extremely angry.
Unfortunately, none of these people are communicating with me. I want them to. I want to understand and let it go. I want to know they weren’t abandoning me on purpose. I want to know why. And maybe that’s the problem.
I can’t control other people’s actions towards me. I can only control my reactions. And my reactions really want to be angry and shouty about how horrible everyone is being. Apart from that being not the greatest thing a person can do in this situation, nobody will listen, because everyone left.
Now I am alone to work through these feelings. I desperately want someone to be with me. I desperately want a connection. I desperately want support. I know I am strong enough, but I want someone to share with. Is that too much to ask in this day and age?